Connoisseur of Things

trustlove:

militant:

So… I am all about queer women claiming their identities and retaining them even when they’re in hetero monogamous relationships but I have some thoughts about this

1) Marriage is a federal institution historically tied to the commodification of women by patriarchy, and the act of getting married reinforces dominant ideas about heterosexuality, gender roles and monogamy.  There are totally legit practical and social reasons to get married but let’s not delude ourselves into believing there is anything queer about hetero marriage (or any kind of marriage for that matter).

2) What is going on in the last frame?  Why?  Let me be clear that I think all kinds of sex work can be empowering and view them as legitimate work, but I think the presence of that image in the comic strip reflects an unfortunate reality that to have their sexuality validated queer women often have to objectify other women in a male-defined way (because let’s be real about who invented strip clubs, who mainly patronizes them, who owns them, and their function in society).

I say these things as a queer woman who sometimes dates heterosexually and is read as straight in the process.  Yes it is frustrating as hell to have a huge part of my identity be erased but it’s a reality and I’m also aware of the privileges I get from engaging in hetero relationships.

I might be off-base here, feel free to call me out

TOTALLY NOT OFF-BASE AT ALL. I had pretty much EXACTLY the same thoughts. My opinion about this was a bit biased to begin with, as I’ve met the artist/author a couple times. I had a short chat about this topic with her (which she seemed less than happy to have, since she is asked about it so much) and she was really put off by the queer community for these reasons. But she also seemed totally unaware and unwilling to recognize her privilege in these aspects, or why people would feel the way they do when she is inhabiting queer spaces or identities. No one I know (or at least myself) asks people who are queer-identified but hetero-read to stop being queer or grovel at the feet of “real queers” who are in non-normative relationships. I think most queers would just like to see a little recognition of why this person has a lot of access that others don’t.

I’ve been called a lot of things for not hating marriage as an institution, or at least thinking that marriage equality is something to be desired. I don’t think these things because I like marriage itself. To me this is a case of a particular group being denied tangible privileges and access while others are not denied, which I think is ridiculous in American society and law.

That aside, I agree that there’s nothing queer about marriage itself, especially if you aren’t going to acknowledge the privilege you are granted because of it. In Erika Moen’s particular case, her husband is British and was likely granted the ability to stay in America because of their marriage (and while I do not know the specifics of British law, I’d probably assume the reverse is the same). If her partner was female-bodied, American law would not acknowledge their union in this way, or they’d have to spend a lot of time and money fighting the courts to try and change that. I don’t think Moen’s critics are asking her to get divorced or apologize for her marriage or relationship - I think a lot of people would be satisfied with an acknowledgement of how un-queer marriage is in all these ways. Even though I don’t think there’s any one way to be queer.

And I completely agree with your second point, Mal. Something about the last panel rubbed me the wrong way - as if she was just trying to make some sort of cute joke about her shared, internalized misogyny? As you said, objectifying other women in a male-dominant gaze for the laughs? Not to mention the fact that she seems to find it necessary to constantly prove herself with a snarky comment yet demands she not have to prove herself.

I dunno, I may be biased against Moen as a person, and I agree that it SUCKS to have your identity erased at every turn. It’s not right that people find it okay to tell her these things on a personal level. But if you are going to use your art/media to talk about being privileged in these ways without recognizing WHY these people are upset… I can’t help but feel you should expect backlash.

YES ABSOLUTELY, great post Sydney. I’ve seen a lot of bisexuals (including queer, pansexual, and any identity involving heterosexual partnerships) complaining about being “invisibly queer” but what they don’t realize is that this invisibility often serves as a huge helping of privilege. Going about my day, with my partner, in public, and not having to worry about my queerness being a factor in literally every facet of my life? Sounds awesome, sign me up!

And most of the coldness or “rejection” that these bisexuals get from the queer community is a response to their unwillingness to acknowledge this privilege. I’m so sick of that tired old “bisexuality is the worst of both worlds, you don’t fit in anywhere” line. Bisexuals hold plenty of societal privilege over gay people, and if you feel like you’re getting the cold shoulder from the queer community, it’s probably because you’re refusing to accept that shit. I remember a quote was going around earlier from a bisexual woman who compared the oppression that comes with having a gay partner to getting strange looks when she brought her straight male partner into a queer space. Come on. You may be queer, but your relationship is not queer in the eyes of society and you are already enjoying all the benefits that come with that.